Photo Frames: A Decline


A profile picture should be like the picture on a driving license; funny enough to be embarrassed about and clear enough to be recognized. My last post explored the horrors of the Facebook ‘like’ button and the photos that are liked. As I was skimming through the various profiles on Facebook I saw a common pattern among the profile pictures and summarized them into these categories.

Let me know if there are any more and I will add them.

1) “Snow White” (Mirror Self-Photos): 

Mirror, mirror on the bathroom wall,
Who is the cutest/sexiest of them all?

Subject is supposedly: 
Sexy, hot, naughty.

My feeling: 
Why is it mostly in the bathroom?

Things you need:
A mirror (preferably a bathroom one), a camera phone and your best/worst pose.

Procedure:
a) Stand in front of a mirror
b) Strike a pose, any pose
c) Position the camera (lens towards the mirror)
d) Click

2) Facebook’s Next Top Model” (Hand-On-The-Hip-With-A-Fringe-Hairstyle):

You know my hips don’t lie,
And I’m starting to feel it’s right,
All the attraction, the tension,
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection

     -Shakira (Hips Don’t Lie)

Subject is supposedly: 
Sexy, innocent, nubile, naughty.

My feeling: 
Why does this pose remind me of Victoria Beckham? Is that a good thing?

Things you need:
Someone with a camera, a hip or two (preferably on yourself) and a head (for co-ordination).

Procedure:
a) Wear the tightest of clothes (optional, of course)
b) Place hand(s) on the hip(s)
c) Tilt head at an angle of 45° backward or sideways
d) Click

3) Socrates” (Staring Into The Horizon):

“The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Subject is supposedly: 
Deep, intellectual, emotional.

My feeling: 
This is always on a beach. Do thoughts suddenly pop-up on the beach? Do ocean waves thrash on the rocky mind and fill it with emotions? I think you do it because the beach is the only place where you can stare into space without looking like a creepy serial killer.

Things you need:
Someone with camera know-how, the knowledge of what a ‘HORIZON’ is and a soulful expression.

Procedure:
a) Go to the beach
b) Take a friend with you if you don’t want your camera stolen
c) Look at a specific point at the farthest end of the water
d) Multiply: 25637 X 65890 in your head
e) Click

4) Discovery Travel & Living” (Foreign Trips):

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff” -Britney Spears

Subject is supposedly: 
In a good job that allows foreign trips or some rich person’s heir.

My feeling: 
A huge ego trip anyone?

Things you need:
A camera, a monument that is famous (Eiffel Tower, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Taj Mahal, Statue of Liberty etc), someone who looks like a native of the place and a smug expression.

Procedure:
a) Get a job or inherit lots of money
b) Visit places that usually crop up in movies
c) Stand in front of the monument or building
d) Preferably stand with someone who looks like he/she is from that country
e) Click

5)The Grudge” (Scary and Gross): 

“Stuff that’s hidden and murky and ambiguous is scary because you don’t know what it does” – Jerry Garcia

Subject is supposedly: 
Funny, weird, different, unique.

My feeling: 
YAWN!

Things you need:
Stock photos of really gruesome, scary or weird things OR a camera and your imagination/embarrassment.

Procedure:
a) Upload the stock photo OR
b) Wear craft paper, paints, fake teeth or anything that makes no sense in general public
c) Think of the first time you saw “Twilight”
d) Click

6) “The Mona Lisa” (Posing But Not Looking At The Camera):

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Subject is supposedly: 
Mysterious, secretive, naughty.

My feeling: 
If you expect me to ask “Hey! What’s with the smile?”, “What are you looking at?” etc, dream on.

Things you need:
Someone with camera know-how, a joke that is very funny like “Twilight being better than Harry Potter” or a serious thought such as, “If Newton had not discovered gravity, would learning Physics have been less painful?” and a place that is unlikely to trigger such thoughts.

Procedure:
a) Travel to the said place
b) Don’t look at the camera but know that it is taking your photo
c) Think of un-relatable thoughts not coinciding with the location
d) Click

7) “Stockers” (Stock Photos):

“You don’t take a photograph, you make it” – Ansel Adams

Subject is supposedly: 
Lazy, cute, happy, sad or in some mood known to humankind.

My feeling: 
How am I supposed to find you if you have pictures of unknown babies, bouquets, quotes and useless things as your identity?

Things you need:
Stock photos from the internet.

Procedure:
a) Upload the photos

8) “Andy Warhol” (Inane and Insane):

“I like boring things” -Andy Warhol

Subject is supposedly:
A deep thinker, smart, a photography wiz, abstract, unique, modern.

My feeling: 
Taking pictures of random things like a broken nail, the garbage can, the open fridge, a dog’s tail, bird droppings, cow dung or bullshit does not make you an abstract photographer.

Things you need:
A camera and something worthless like empty water bottles, garbage on the road, leg in a cast etc

Procedure:
a) Point camera at the object
b) Aim and capture only 25% of it OR
c) Tilt the camera to get a slightly slanted view of the picture
d) Click
e) Upload as profile picture

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3 thoughts on “Photo Frames: A Decline

  1. Pingback: Duckface: A Dedication | noinpart

  2. I think the duck face/kissy face should have its own category.

    Subject is supposedly: Forever pouty and desirable.

    My feeling: Why the fuck aren’t you just smiling like a normal human being.

    …I’m guilty of the kissy face though, I will admit. At least it’s not my profile picture. That’s gotta count for something.

    Like

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