Everyone has had the pleasure of having dumped someone. Most of us have faced the pain of being dumped. Some of us have cried for sometime and (hopefully) have moved on. We’ve emerged better than before, having experienced love and loss. Others not so much. They wallow in their sorrow and turn bitter. This is especially true of boys. Now, I am not being biased. I am sharing an experience that I have seen far too many times.
Let me begin at the beginning.
A young teenage middle-class boy falls in love with a young teenage middle-class girl. After a few months of courtship, including initial disagreement from the girl’s end, high drama of suicide threats, and mediocre gifts, the relationship takes off. It’s a happy life for the young couple. The first 6 to 8 months are bliss. Absolutely nothing can go wrong. Then suddenly, cracks begin to form. Jealousy, possessiveness, resentment begin to bloom between them. Despite this they continue on hoping to change the other or adjust and live with it. The relationship reaches its breaking point after a year or two and ends bitterly.
Familiar story? I have seen too many of these (being included in some as well). Not every love story has a happy ending. Initially there is too much hurt on both sides. The relationship failed because of both involved parties not just one. So why does society blame one party, the girl, entirely? It is because a boy/man can be vocal about his feelings without being judged. A girl/woman cannot. Remember this is a society where the victim of rape is held equally or more guilty of the crime as her rapist.
Now here comes the Devdas syndrome. A Devdas is a boy/man who has been dumped by or, in lesser known circles, has dumped his girlfriend and is terribly upset that for the next month all he can talk about is his loss and how the girl broke his delicate heart and [the ever popular quote] “ruined his life”. Every discussion is about how the girl “used him”. This continues on till he finds the next love of his life. This phenomenon or rather, drama is called the Devdas syndrome.
Some of the popular grievances of these Devdas’ are:
- She found someone else or she cheated on me.
- She used me only for my money. Now she has found someone else who is rich.
- She never really loved me.
- She wasted my life or I wasted my life with her.
- I failed [in exams or similar] because of her.
- I did not get a proper job because of her.
These boys love repeating their tragedy to whoever is bored enough to listen to them. They get their boost from the sympathy poured by family, friends and peers. And as good friends they conclude that it was the girl at fault and desecrate her character while encouraging the boy to move on.
I do believe that some guys are genuinely hurt and sentimental but a lot of them aren’t. There are those who embellish events to put themselves in the sympathy path. Society will be on their side for being vocal but their conscience knows the truth. If a girl is as vocal she will be termed “too fast” or “too easy” because she has been in a relationship. She will still be blamed despite what she has been through.
A close friend of mine fell in love with a guy who pursued her for months. She was madly in love with him and did all she could to be with him. She failed her exams to be in his class [he had to repeat a year]. She lied to her parents. Stole from home to pay his fees. All because she cared about him. In turn, he redirected all his resentment from his failures towards her and blamed her. Suddenly she didn’t seem good, her sacrifices were in vain and all he had for her is hate. Her being South Indian was one of the reasons, among others, for dumping her. Incidentally, my ex [a North Indian as well] told me the same thing; that I was a South Indian and he didn’t want to continue on. In fact, his friend informed me that he was just bored with me. Apparently, in both cases being South Indian was not a problem during all the make-out sessions and while borrowing money.
My friend is now a mess even after a year. Her burning spirit has been weakened. She feels her life is empty without him. My story is different. I cried for a day and moved on. I cannot cry for someone who doesn’t care about me. I have moved on to a wonderful person who loves and respects me. In both cases, there has been pain. One hasn’t healed and one hasn’t forgotten. But both scenarios have something in common. They are unheard of. The other side of the story [albeit fluffed up] has been heard loud and clear where they had been hurt and thus “Devdased”.
My advise to all the men out there who are hurt and Devdased.
- A girl will never leave a guy who treats her with respect and dignity. This does not mean you act like a slave. Keep you self-esteem intact and treat her right.
- If she does leave you despite the above, ask yourself why. Is it something that you did? Where did the relationship fail? Don’t start pinning the blame on her blindly.
- If she found someone else, wish her well. Forget her and MOVE ON. Pining looks very good in movies. This is real life.
- If you say that she was with you only for your money, think. How many times did she ask you to buy her something, expensive or inexpensive? How many times did you voluntarily buy stuff for her? In most cases, the girl will never ask you to spend any money on her. It is the guy who assumes that a girl will stay if he showers her with gifts.
- If you think she didn’t love you at all why was she with you for so long?
- Don’t try to change her. She won’t. Don’t change.
- Your life is controlled by you. She ruined nothing. Grow a spine and accept your failures rather than blaming her.
- Find someone who makes you happy. Learn from your past relationships and be thankful that they happened.
I am in no way blaming only men for failed relationships. The woman may contribute to the failure as well. But I am blaming them for the Devdas syndrome which lead to stupid stuff like:I conclude by saying this to all men who use the Devdas moniker to defame a woman just for cheap sympathy. A relationship is about respect and love. One cannot survive without the other. A relationship cannot survive without both.
“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”