Ever been in a situation where you have a lot to say but when you try to speak no words escape your lips. Ever felt that the good you try to see in people is a facade put up by them. Ever got hurt so much that you felt crying will make it worse.
The last 3 months have been a struggle. I am trying to evaluate my life. The world seems to be closing in on me. Doubts have arisen. Am I worthy? Am I talented? Do I have what it takes? Do people care? Do I want people to care? The confusion is agonizing. I have no idea where I am going. I am not unhappy. Neither am I sad. What I am is angry. I am angry that I am unable to cope with my problems. Every new day brings with it a new set of obstacles. People do not understand why I do what I do. They are holed up in assumptions that make my life a failure when, in reality, it’s a much better life than they’ll ever experience. This isn’t arrogance. This is an understanding of life from my point of view. Yet, I am forced to conform. To rules and syntaxes that make sheep out of people.
I worry about regret. Conforming is not what I’ll do because it will make me lose myself. That is a cost I am unwilling to pay. I grew up with a lot of experiences, good and bad, that have shaped my views on life. I was laughed at whenever I cried which made me think that my tears don’t matter. I was yelled at when I asked simple questions which made me find answers myself. When you’ve been taught that every question you ask is incorrect and every action is wrong, you tend to live with a lot of hurt.
My loved ones have given me enough to sustain and survive. Yet they’re being judged by the imperfect society that claims to be a well-wisher. They say I do not mingle. I say I am an introvert. They say I am arrogant. I say I speak only when I feel it is right. They say I am slow. I say I do not want to create unnecessary arguments. Why do people cling to their egos? What is it they don’t understand? I am stuck in a black hole where every ray of light and every sunshine is sucked into the darkness. Happiness does not last long. The sadness and disappoint lingers.
I want to scream. I want to yell and shout and tell people that my normalcy lies in my individuality. How I perceive myself makes me who I am. Not by a bunch of dusty standards that mean more in theory than practice. I want to share this with whoever lends an ear. Whoever is willing to spend 5 minutes understanding the complexity of how simple life is. Instead, I spend my time exasperated at the misunderstandings created by assumptions. I want to hold their collar and yell at them one minute. The next minute I want to sit them down and talk normally when I don’t know what normalcy is.
There are times when I drift off into a dream where I am not accountable to anyone, where the everyday problems people create for me are not present, and where I have a no sadness, no disappointments, and no regrets. Then, I come back, put on my normal face and move along with time. My struggle is internal. It’s only when it overflows and spills that I am confused and lost. Then I realize, sometimes it’s okay to be sad; sometimes it’s okay to be silent; sometimes it’s okay to be angry.
This is my rant, my outlet. I wanted to speak and I know someone has heard.